vulnerability

You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,

as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

You saw me before I was born.

Every day of my life was recorded in your book.

Every moment was laid out

before a single day had passed.

- Psalm 139:15-16

READ: Psalm 139

"Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” -Brene Brown

As I read today's passage in Psalms and the words of Brene Brown on vulnerability, I think of my mother’s pregnancy with me. My mother hoped for the best once she knew I was no longer just a figment of her imagination and unmet dreams to grow her own family. She had high hopes that her children would someday live a better life than she and her parents lived. However, things didn’t go as she expected. My mother suffered from the projected shame from her community and the sadness of being abandoned by my biological father. 

The world (in this case her college advisor) said that she could end the pregnancy and finish school on time. This situation was a tough one, but the decision was clear to her even before that advisor uttered those words:

“No, I am keeping the baby. I trust and believe that God will help me manage and care for my baby.”

Hold onto that thought for a minute. A situation gone awry was redeemed and placed in the hands of God. As everything seemed to be turning against her, she persisted in her faith to continue allowing God’s plan for me to come to fruition. 

I wish I could say that after that decision that things fell into place, but my mother suffered through several trials and tribulations. She had to withdraw from school to take time to provide for us, faced homelessness, sleeping on couches during her pregnancy and shortly after my birth.

I look at this season as an echo of the hidden place. God was there with my mother all along and had his hand and protection over me and my fetal self every step of the way. 

Today, you are reading this because my mother chose to heed to God‘s plan for my life. When I was in my mother’s womb, she did not know that she would finish undergrad and graduate school by the time that I graduated from high school. Little did she know that that same child she had in her womb would also grow up to graduate from graduate school and follow her footsteps in the profession of social work, AND that we would both be walking with and speaking into the lives of hundreds of people who face similar situations of heartbreak and devastation. 

Remember my friends that God is always there, always looking out for us and planning greater things for our lives than we could ever fathom. I would invite you to be brave enough to “explore the darkness” and embrace the vulnerability this season and in each season to come. You are seen. You are known. You are loved.